dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
