When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
