He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
