I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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