i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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