I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
