mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
