Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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