did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You made out with two different species that night
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
