I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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