I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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