the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
