Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
