I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
