I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You can't special order awesome
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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