I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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