mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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