I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize