And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
