You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
