also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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