i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
