Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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