really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Someone came in the potted fern
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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