nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
