I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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