im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
