I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
