my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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