mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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