Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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