my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
it hurts more in the daytime
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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