So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize