There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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