Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
