last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
