Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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