oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
