I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
