Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
