well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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