umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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