who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
