i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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