After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize