Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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