The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
there is puke in my bra ... again
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
