Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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