Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
