Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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