Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
