I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My ATM looks so different sober.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
