im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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