lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
