he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just want to make out with him forever
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
