My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
