i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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