Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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