i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
