I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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