I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
