you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
it hurts more in the daytime
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
