i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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